there's no place like home

Today was one of those days which is just a good day.  A few pangs of nostalgia and stirred memories of confusing bittersweet feelings emerged.

So fun to be able to pop down to the main street in town and visit family and friends who run various retail businesses in town.  To add to the experience is bumping into familiar old faces from the past and share stories and news of recent times.

Great big hugs and kind eyes and encouraging words and that wonderful community strength and spirit that is freely shared and exchanged.

I know this might be my original hometown but the saying home is where the heart is rings true for me.  There are little pieces of my heart left in hearts here and memories in this town are part of who I am today. Some years ago,  Hobart captured my heart's attentions with it's beauty and vibrant collection of people and places..... and that is where it resides right now but does not own it.

I guess my geographical home is going to be different through various seasons and stages but feel that home is more connected to the relationships which have weaved into the fabric of my journey.  Wherever they may be.

Little gems and treasures scattered all over the country and world now but all a part of the 'home' that so warms my heart.

lets get out of town :: into the valley's

Little villages are like a trip back in time.

Hills at Hamilton

St Mary's Church Gretna......surrounded by huge cemetery.

Annabelle :: What if we just give him a little pat!!!!  (With enormous cheesy grin)

She is always ready for an adventure and some fun.

soul being revived :: gently & slowly

This is my metaphorical defibrillator for the heart and soul.  A must watch for the nostalgic and romantic mind.

Check out this short film from the talented artists at 'Kinfolk' you won't regret it.

I did get a copy and it is everything I had hoped for.  It is now tucked away for quiet opportunities to read in the sunroom overlooking the paddocks and inspire dreams and plans again

not what I signed up for :: this single parenting gig

Today I am going to make an exception to the general 'positive' theme of this blog.  Today I am just going to wear my heart on my sleeve and have a vent.  Today is the first day of the week with our Sarah gone home.  In reality it was still a really hard gig when I had her here.  Of course it wasn't going to be any easier at this point.

Getting out the door to do anything is a major mission with the smalls.

I hate that in summer Felix insists on wearing jeans and long sleeved multiple layers of shirts and then come winter.....he wants only shorts, thongs and no jumper.  We argue every single time we have to leave the house as I tear off the foul grey shirt and threadbare black jeans he wears 24/7.  It's literally a physical struggle every damn day!  Then there is Annabelle who is constantly squeezing more toothpaste onto everybody's brush which means we go through about two tubes a week.  No joke.

We struggle with her to brush her hair, make sure all 25 (again no joke) of her 'children' have a band aid on, a blanket wrapped around them etc each morning. They all need to follow her wherever she goes or it's like the sound of someone being murdered erupts from her mouth!!!!

What really gets me is the fact that all these things are probably quite cute to anybody else but for me, it's just one more hard thing in the endless days and months of hard.  It's fucking hard actually.


Hard that I didn't get a choice in this.  Hard that I have to figure out how to feed and cloth the kids each week while the male gene pool that happily contributed to bringing the children into the world, walk away from all responsibility and then complain about the unfairness for them.  Like your actions don't have consequences or something?

It's hard that they don't see how fucking selfish and self focused they truly are.  Hard to know they are complaining and focused on 'how this affects me'.   It's hard that I can't easily choose to go and work full time in a satisfying career as my children only have one parent.  I literally cannot be in five places at once.  Childcare is expensive, children get exhausted from being dragged from daycare to home when it's dark and they are hungry and tired.

Hard that they have the option to work hard in a full time job yet for whatever reason choose not to and not provide at least financially for their children.  This would be only the bare minimum after everything else they had taken from them.  As if they hadn't made it hard enough for them already, they sit in comfortable ignorant bliss having learned no lessons.

The sheer motivation required seems more that I have right now and I am so frustrated at the limitations of  the situation I find myself in.  I hate that I have criticism from 'some christians' as to the selfishness of choosing to work, yet on the other hand, the insensitive comments like 'welfare' makes it too easy for you single parents.  Really?  Ignorance is bliss never rang truer.  Really.....what should I do exactly.  I am truly open to suggestions.

I could work 40 hours a week washing, cooking, cleaning, running to sport, trying to create a beautiful home, trying to create opportunities for my kids to be connected to the community through regular church and sports involvement.  I just feel like I am stretched to the limit and could easily break right now.

That's before I even attempt to work in paid employment which is my preference after all.

This was the plan when deciding to have more children.  I would work as I had always wanted to combine career with child/home duties and the other parent would work to compliment this and we could both have the balance and work in together to eliminate childcare costs etc.  I had more children close together as a gift to my husband.  I had done the single parenting gig before and knew it would be fine with two parents on board.

Now I don't have that option, I don't get every second weekend to myself like other separations.  I am it!

I will always be it.  I can't have a future relationship as who could I trust to enter my children's lives?  I would be too damn tired anyhow and have nothing of value to offer and then would enter that selfish place of what it would give me.  The absolutely worst thing a person can be.

Maybe I need to change before I break in the way I think about it all.

I am a positive person (i promise)........this is just the reality....it's a shitty deal and I need to find a way to make it work for us.

I'm angry today as one persons choice steals another's youth and joy.  I am going grey, my face is wrinkled and I have a soul more the age of a seventy year old war veteran.  I am not vain, this is just the reality of the toll it takes on one when trauma hits unexpectedly and undeservedly.  I'm restless, frustrated and tired.

I am now officially divorced which is the only happy and positive part of this post.  I feel so liberated and relieved and glad to be free of the past in that way.  No further obligation and I believe, God's freedom to move on.

If ever there was a good time to go away and get some perspective it was now.  Only seven more sleeps and counting.

Buon Viaggio!

And so the next part of the story begins.  One that is better for having walked alongside this beautiful girl for a chapter or two.  

Godspeed on your journey dear sister and friend.  We will miss you and you have taken a piece of our hearts with you back to Italy.

giving counter culturally

I have been meditating on a couple of passages this morning and it's gotten me thinking and analysing and  has also deeply encouraged me that maybe I am still moving and growing and my heart has not grown cold after all.

The first is in acts chapter two, just after they had received the holy spirit at pentecost.

 All the believers were together and had everything in common.  They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.  Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts,  praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

I remember a few years ago that I had the opportunity to stay for a week or so at a beautiful holiday home at no charge.....it was a gift.  It was right on the beach and each day the changing tide would change the landscape as we were also right on the edge of an inlet where a stream would wander inland.

As I walked into this place, I immediately experienced the tangible peace and presence of God and felt as though many layers of daily stresses were lifted.  In a little old frame were written the words from these verses from Acts.

This house was entirely reserved as a retreat and place of rest for those who had need of  a holiday and in need of deep rest.  Word of mouth is how people discover it and gentle intervention from the holy spirit of course.  The owners had decided they had enough and wanted to freely give.  What a wonderful reflection of this passage in action.

I too am a big fan of giving.  If there is need and I can meet it, I am keen to do it because it feels so damn good.  Now, I hope this is not because it strokes my self righteous ego and is just because it's a blessing and privilege that the opportunity is there.

Having recently been on the receiving end of many, many gifts and blessings, I can understand more deeply the need to receive just as willingly.  Imagine robbing all those "giving" opportunities which really bless the giver rather than the recipient?

I remember hearing a preacher speak about how each year on Maundy Thursday that they hold a feet washing service in remembrance of Jesus washing his friends feet.

He said there is never a shortage of people willing to be the washers.  The trouble was getting people in a vulnerable position of being able to receive this act of love and service.  Damn pride and self preservation.

I think that our society and this world has such a selfish element but in other ways shut up, closed off and locked away our selves from being in a weaker position.  After all there is a big risk when you put yourself there.

Again, I turn to the scriptures and am reminded in 1 Corinthians that Love never gives up, never loses faith, and is always hopeful.

For me personally, this is a reminder to not buy into the world's ways of taking care of our community of believers and wider world but to turn to heaven's standard.  Give freely with a hopeful loving heart.

Give even if it's a risk.  The way I figure, God will make up the difference if it doesn't make sense in our sensible and practical logical minds.

After all Jesus was a radical and unconventional giver.  What an inspiration and reflection of God's heart he is.  So I continue on allowing myself gradually to become open to the blessings God has in store for me.

soft place to fall

I am feeling grateful today for the special ones I hold dear who are my "soft place to fall".  


The ones with whom I can show up and be much less than perfect and authentically very, very, human.


Such liberty in vulnerability.  You humble me friends.


On that theme, reminds me of this particular song.  Allison Moorer you rock.  Check out her soothing words.  

This favourite song.

Disclaimer :- I have no actual intentions of finding the soft place to fall that she is referring to.

northern exposure :: things to do

Hunt :- 


for unique and interesting bargains in the opportunity shops, to see what vintage treasures await.


Get Intimate:- 


with my SLR camera and stop treating her like a cheap plaything and get to know her beyond the surface.    Fully appreciate her many layers and capabilities.

Be absurd:- 


laugh.....a lot..... with my silly, wonderful and fabulous sisters.

Capture:-


all of my grandma's special recipes on paper to tuck away for generations to appreciate and love.

Create:-


a hand knitted winter scarf in a bold red or mustard shade to keep me warm and cheerful on return to Ice age conditions at the end of our stay.

Bake:- 


without any rush or occasion.  Make all the things I have pushed aside for when I have more time.  re-discover the beautiful event of sharing and planning meals with my sisters.

Share:- 


special times with dear treasured friends who I can pick up our conversations from days gone by with such ease.  Fully known and loved anyhow...such a gift.

Teach :-


my children the ways of the land with adventures to the farm and places to explore.  Memories to last a lifetime are made in these happy days.

Rock out:-


with a newer, younger generation at a music festival and remember what it's like to feel young, overly confident, 10 feet tall and invincible.

Be still

For those that know me well, I am a go getter, a motivated, can do type of person.  Just tell me I can't achieve or do something and that is a sure way for me to do it!

The events of the last couple of years have no doubt knocked the wind out of my sails and caused me to re-evaluate and cast a new vision for the future..... to take a bigger view..... get some perspective through the lens looking towards eternal and real things.  My motivations have changed, my drive is different......but is this a bad thing....I think not.

After dropping the kids off this morning at childcare, I couldn't help but feel the anxiety take hold by osmosis from the frazzled and frantic parents hustling their kids into school, dragging along in some cases.  Women slapping lipstick on in the car, running in heels late for work.

Something is seriously not in the right order in our society and world.  A chasing of the wind perhaps?

I am getting the message loud and clear right now that I am to be still, know that God is God and to rest in that knowledge and the release of care that naturally will follow.

A question I pose is how do we easily do this in a frantic society?

How does one do this when with  hyper vigilant guard and insomnia due to a horrific trauma?  I mean after all, the damage was done on "my watch".

The damage happened in my home, my safe retreat and oasis in the care of the most trusted of people.  How does one relax in the very environment of danger?

I guess there is only one answer.....I can't!

I totally absolutely without any question can only rely on God to come through on this one.  I can play my part of course but ultimately the "rest" doesn't come from me or my efforts.

So with that in mind I am looking forward to a sojourn somewhere warmer for a few weeks.  I plan to take a break from the distractions of TV, social media, constant appointments and determine to just........be still.

I wonder what God might show me and how much deeper I can sink into the everlasting peaceful arms.

A message from a friend with her little hint of humour summed it up a couple of days ago when discussing pushing through and future projects and ambitions.  I had a very clear answer in regard to one pursuit so my confidant shared her thoughts.

"He's probably saying.  Thanks for being so willing but I am still happy for you to take a break! Rest in me"

I think I'll take that as a word from heaven and breath deeply and rest willingly.....or try at least!

that about sums it up

rest·less

Adjective:

(of a person or animal) Unable to rest or relax as a result of anxiety or boredom. Offering no physical or emotional rest; involving constant activity or motion: "a restless night".

I feel a bit like the picture of this storm brewing

road trip :: coastal retreat

First stop was the Sorell sunday market.....a quirky collection of interesting & amusing items 

and somewhat scary stallholders with tired faces and mandatory cigarettes in the top pocket.  Not too sure about the signs.  Dad and son were trying to make a buck and the younger artists signs were going half price.

Even at that we could not be tempted.

I am serious....this sign was in the front yard of a house in another little village on the way to our desination.  

Maddy thought they were cute.  I thought they smelled and reminded her they would grow up and smell even worse.

Fresh yummy produce so we picked up some tomatoes to cook up for lunch today.

Maddy's orchard and veggie patch collecting supplies for lunch.

The most amazing pink lady apples inspired our lunch plans.

Apparently one of the sunniest most pleasant and warm days ever experienced here this time of year....so lucky.

Perfect writer's retreat overlooking the garden.

Maddy's fresh tomato, balsamic and homemade olive oil bruschetta. 

My fresh apples, baked with muesli, brown sugar and coconut enjoyed with thick luscious cream. 

Beautiful rugged beaches on the way home

Beautiful rocks to climb over and explore.

 Looking out towards Coles Bay.

a place to rest

Madeline getting the fire stoked for settling in for the evening.

 The old bake house at the back of the house

 The barn and behind the orchard and veggie patch.

 Looking over the property.

 The original part of the house added on to with lots of style.

 Beautiful cottage and english inspired gardens.

 Fabulous courtyard and private gardens.

 The most elegant of colour schemes for the exterior.

Classic poetry vintage finds in a funny little market.  My most treasured a retro A.B. Patterson compilation.  Great start to the weekend.

pet gripes

I am working on getting less stressed about my personal preferences and character qualities that I rate highly.  One is doing what you say you are going to do.  If I make a commitment, I feel ill at the thought of not sticking to it.  Integrity is another one closely linked, transparency, honesty and dependability.  You would think these are no brainers but alas.....sadly lacking in today's selfish culture.

The one thing I have found annoys me to distraction is being late.  When I was newly married, I remember being shocked that my new husband thought nothing of being continually late for everything.  I couldn't believe it.  Should have been a warning sign I guess.


Being punctual not only refers to being on time for work or for meetings or appointments whilst at work, but also being ready and prepared on arrival. It involves a degree of commitment to the job role, organisation and time management, travel planning, and an awareness or understanding of the importance of being on time and behaving responsibly or professionally whilst at work or respectfully when an agreement is in place with another. 



For me, to make a habit of being late shows enormous disrespect and disregard for other people and is the ultimate selfishness.  For me it screams the message, I am way more important than you and your schedule and will do just as I like.  I know, anal as I am, this is something of high value in my book.


The occasional tardy arrival is fine, I mean, three kids later, I understand that sometimes the unavoidable happens.  It took me a while, but I am learning to forgive myself when the schedule gets messed up.
So my question......... is my passion for punctuality a character quality or a flaw?   A test in patience and flexibility or a prophetic message for the masses of Gen Y & Z.

a mystery

The delicate tension between beauty and strength

god reality :: why worry.

Now I am not usually the first to grab a copy of this particular translation and am cringing thinking of how my friends Steve and Zarv will scoff at my choice.....however.....this just really nailed it for me today.

It really is this simple......but we live in a complicated world.  Just read below.

God insists that we not worry about anything except eternity.  He promises that in this passage.

Not our job, our house, our clothes, our social status, our career, our car, our opportunities, our future, our relationships.......What a place of freedom and joy.

No longer puppets pulled in many directions riding the waves of our emotions and failings.




Luke 12:22-34


Steep Yourself in God-Reality


 22-24He continued this subject with his disciples. "Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. 


Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more.


 25-28"Has anyone by fussing before the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? If fussing can't even do that, why fuss at all? Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They don't fuss with their appearance—but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? 


The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?


 29-32"What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. 


Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. 


You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.


 33-34"Be generous. Give to the poor. Get yourselves a bank that can't go bankrupt, a bank in heaven far from bankrobbers, safe from embezzlers, a bank you can bank on. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.