Tomorrow the smalls come home after 10 days on the big island. I was desperate for them to go and get loved up by grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins along with old friends from my hometown.
I couldn't wait for the break, the things I would do, the peace I would feel, the tasks I would achieve would be colossal and transform me back into the superwoman I knew I could be. The hero cape wasn't flying so high lately and I decided a break from day to day practical parenting responsibilities would fix it.
I'm fairly sure I already knew this but I love my kids to bits. I don't want to spend lots of time away from them. I forgot and was confused by bearing the weight of too many titles that I wear as CEO of this small family. Provider, mother, father, grandparents, mentor, housekeeper, cook and cleaner.
I want to be the kind of mama that is full of love, patience, wisdom, sacrifice but often I'm just not.
Often I want to escape to work, to friends, to activities, to books and stories of others lives. I want rest from the responsibilities of solo parenting and the daunting task of shaping and guiding three lives. This is a tough one when I don't get my own part right all the time.
I am in an isolated position of being given parenting feedback by only three people. The children. As most parents would know, the negative feedback comes often and is most usually a complaint about the unfairness or meanness and often the food quality.
Their is no one else on your team or a coach to give you a pep talk at half time. The job is simply mine. But there is where it can be a great thing as well. I get to do things my way all the time. I don't need a democratic process in terms of leading the family which can be quite good. The highs of parenting are mine alone and I can be proud of the job I'm doing when things go well.
Here comes the catch. The thing I realized that I was really wanting was not to escape the kids, but to share them. I wanted someone else who loves them to enjoy, understand and delight in them with me. Often the highs are bittersweet as they can be the loneliest of times for a solo parent.
I can work, earn a living, provide social opportunities, sports, recreation and basic necessities for them pretty well. I have kind of nailed the practical aspects for my tribe and am thankful I have the resourcefulness to bounce back and think outside the square with what they need.
I see that they have stacks of people to enjoy and appreciate them. My lack is not their own, it's mine alone. I see so clearly that I need to make peace with this to fully enjoy what is right in front of me.
Their measure is not the same as mine. They don't see it through my lens of growing up with stacks of extended family around. They don't see that lack. They have never known a family with two parents.
It takes a village to raise a child and I look around and whilst ours is not traditional, it's solid and diverse and ever changing. It's more than enough.
