chemistry

Today I was chatting with a friend of mine who is new to the christian lifestyle regarding relationships after only knowing the secular status quo.  It got me to thinking what do I really think and I also remembered a post from a fellow blogger and friend which you can check out here at the old wise man

He has some great thoughts on the topic which are a refreshing change to the crap cosmo dishes out for today's generation.

I lived with very liberal and lust driven selfish attitudes  in regards to dating, sex and men before finally making a decision to pursue a christian lifestyle.  I must stress that this is something I struggle with particularly now having been separated for over two and a half years!   To be honest, I would hate to think whether my convictions would be so strong right now so prefer not to put myself in temptations way.

I am after all only 34 and you know what they say about women in their thirties!

Anyhow, after much consideration,  I firmly believe that sex belongs within the liberating and freeing embrace of marriage.  I hope I can last the distance!  Not easy once you know what your missing.....but well worth it.  That is how I entered into my 'christian marriage' and prior to the shocking confessions etc it certainly was a much more satisfying, liberating and peaceful physical connection.  A natural extension of mutual love, commitment and covenant.

What an amazing gift God gave men and women! I now see it more about what can I share and give rather than what I can get which is the exclusive language of lust.

Anyhow, that was probably an 'over share' a hazard of that darn up front nature of mine.

My friend posed the question of whether I thought that it was ok meeting up for coffee/ exploring with multiple people of the opposite sex with the view of potential relationships.   I would have to agree that it's fine to have other friends in the early stages.  I do however feel that once a mutual decision is made to pursue a deeper connection and have a go at a relationship, other people should be of a less intimate emotional nature.

How a casual coffee ties in with dating and marriage from my point of view is that as a Christian, that would be the natural goal of a relationship rather than a partnership not offered in covenant before God.

I mean, surely one would not wish to have multiple relationships off and on with no appropriate and liberating way of expressing deep love and affection???  I know that would frustrate me no end!  Not that I think that anything should be rushed before it's time....after all.....timing is everything.

By this, I mean that our emotional connections are the first point for intimacy.....it's not too far a stretch to go from coffee and a listening ear to something else without an advance decision as to what you think regarding emotional and physical purity.

Purposely reserving that for the special person you decide to commit in lifelong partnership with and resisting the instant gratification that lust or deeply emotionally involved connections temporarily provide.

I know that for me, my relationships with men changed when I got married as I didn't want to risk forming an intimate emotional attachment with anyone else.  I felt that it was critical to follow the guidelines of two becoming one.  Men and women are a complimentary partnership and meant to be sealed rock solid with God as the glue so to speak.  Of course, we do live in a crazy mixed up world so that doesn't always end up as the result despite best efforts or intentions.

I can recommend an excellent author called Edwin Cole who wrote a great book called "The Glory of Sex"  among some other great titles.  He was a Christian author and poses some challenging questions to today's generation as I believe he wrote almost prophetically before his time!  Then again, maybe not, after all, the issues of desire/ lust etc have been around forever....think Eve in the garden.

Marriage/relationships are hard enough without any additional pressure!  I think we run the risk of 'grass is greener' syndrome if we hook up with many people as the tendency is to only take the good and walk away from the not so pleasant character traits.

Also, I believe marriage and family are the cornerstone of the intention God had when he made men and women.  We need so very much to support the healthy boundaries that promote the freedom of marriage rather than confuse it as a boring life sentence with rigid rules disallowing other opposite sex relationships.

So whilst an early courtship is by no means the same as marriage, doesn't it deserve the very best attention the same as anything we nurture in life.  If we want good results then the principles of delayed gratification serve us well in health, study and many other areas why not one of the most potentially important relationships in our lives.

This mixed up world often opposes monogamy and also marriage, singular commitment and considers this a 'prudish' attitude.  We as christians would be naive and foolish to buy into that kind of thinking.

Further more, lust is unreliable.  Chemistry is so important and the romance definitely an important part of a partner.  However, I truly believe that we can 'lust' after anyone and appreciate physical attraction far too easily if not determined to reserve and not awaken desire outside it's rightful secure place.

It starts in the mind and I guess that is why Jesus warned about not even 'thinking' or indulging/allowing a thought process to spiral!!!  For our own benefit.....and he knew how much we would be motivated by the flesh...

Whilst I do think this can be an issue for women (me included) my reading and experience suggests that 97% of men, christians included struggle with this issue and need to come to a point of allowing God to do the work in guarding this precious gift our sexuality.  Again, I believe we are foolish and naive to ignore this other 'elephant' in the room in our conversations and community.

Lastly, relationships are fundamentally a choice.  They are a choice in the beginning, a choice in the hard times and a choice when the disappointment of life push us to believe that if we were with the 'right' person things would be better.

Get the chemistry right, common values and honesty then hopefully a partnership supported by the foundation of God and commitment to walking that out rain, hail or shine are the reliable things when asking whether something could work or not.

Any one game to share thoughts on this post????